As I sit here in my small, one-bedroom apartment, I reminisce about days that have come and gone. My notepad, with its yellow pages, sits idly on the desk beside me with nothing about it except for a small, black and silver pen lying on top, and a few lines of scribbled nothingness of dreams long since passed.
This chair that I am sitting upon, although constructed of hardwood and extremely uncomfortable, has been somewhat of a home for me for a long while. None the less, I cannot help but think aloud, “I hate this unholy piece of furniture.”
I stare at the bed to my left, with its faded, black bedspread aboard it, and I begin to wonder when it will be my time to fade out. I think about better days gone by and about all of the lovers who have shared those sheets with me.
As I come out of my daydream for a moment, I catch a glimpse of myself in a nearby mirror, and I do not recognize who it is that I am looking at. The only person that I am able to see is a worn out, beaten, old man. His graying hair and beard are a reminder to me that we are all just dust in the wind.
I look back to my bed and I think about a girl who shall remain nameless. A strong memory vividly comes back to me as I feel a slight pressure upon my chest.
Clear as the day itself, as if playing out in front of me like a movie, I can see myself, young in age, and that beautiful woman, making love. Her golden-brown hair, slightly damp from sweat, is draped down her back and around her shoulders as the younger embodiment of me lays there lost in ecstasy. 'Beautiful', I think.
I now see us lying there afterwards. My chest is to her back and my arm is wrapped around her, holding her close. I remember thinking about how scared, at the time, I was of falling in love, and I see myself say to her, “Babe, I care about you a lot, but I don't know if this is going to work out.”
She turns to look at me, a worried expression on her face, and she says, “What do you mean?”
“I don't know.” I reply as I turn and sit up.
I begin to pull my clothes on. The worried expression she was wearing on her face begins to amplify and her eyes begin to tear up. As I finish pulling my shoes onto my feet, she sits up and wraps her arms around me, resting her head on my back and she says, “Baby, I love you.”
Grabbing a white tee-shirt, I stood up quickly. After pulling it on, I leaned over to kiss her head, and then I walked to the door. With my hand on the doorknob, I looked at her and I said, “Maybe you shouldn't be here when I get back.”
She closed her eyes and lowered her head as tears streamed down her face. Not knowing what else to say, I just opened the door and walked out of the apartment.
I remember sitting at a bar a little while after that, thinking about what I had said. The truth is, I did not want her to go. If you asked me why I said that I did, even now, I still would have trouble answering you.
The feelings of dread that I had felt as I walked up the stairs to my third floor apartment a little later on that day were almost unbearable. It was almost a feeling of inherent fear, almost a knowing that she was not going to be there, yet I could not help but hope that she still was. My hand shook as I turned the doorknob.
As I gently pushed open the rickety, old door, I found myself greeted by.........absolute solitude. I remember walking through the apartment, into and out of the bathroom, just to check, but the place, ultimately, was empty. I saw myself sit down on the edge of my bed, my head lowering into the palms of my hands, and watching myself begin to cry. As I watched, the pain in my chest deepened and a strange feeling of warmth washed over me.
I stood up from my desk chair and walked over to my bed. I laid down and stretched out as I thought about my life and all of those wasted years without her.
I took off my glasses and I placed them on the nightstand. Then, I closed my eyes and thought deeply about that woman. Her beauty, her mind, her sweet scent, and all of the love she had had for me. Out loud, yet quietly, I said, “I love you too babe.”
Soon after, I drifted off into my eternal sleep...